Surf’s Up, So Cool Down (About Global Warning)

by Ryan M. Banning

Dear Environmental Protection Agency,

My name’s Duke Kelly and I’m from Malibu, California. I’m just a normal dude trying to make a living off the Big Blue. As an amateur surfer, I know how important protecting the planet is, especially the ocean. Without the Pacific, my life would be a total bummer, bro. Surfing is my soul and the Pacific is my playground.

Do you catch my drift? I appreciate the EPA’s struggle and think that “Going Green” is right on. But to be honest, dude, it might be time to take a chill pill with the whole global warming thing. At first it was a dope idea, but now you’ve got everybody worked up over the environment and what not. Truth to be told, I’m not really digging the idea anymore. The EPA is being a real buzz kill, so just do everyone a solid and drop it while you still can. Sit back, relax, and let Mother Nature do her thing, you feel me? The EPA hasn’t been saving the environment; they’ve just been killing the vibe.

Global warming is totally bogus, dude. As an environmentalist myself (I own a Prius), I would know. At first glance, you may not think of me as a complicated man, and I would understand. Sure, at first it seems like I’m only concerned with righteous waves and tasty babes. But believe me, I’m pretty complex, and the environment is always on my mind. In fact, most of my bros like to call me a hippy because of how progressive I am. For example, whenever I see a recycling bin, I don’t just throw away plastic bottles and metal cans. Nope, I throw all my crap in those things. Talk about cutting edge! So it’s safe to say I know what I’m talking about when it comes to the Earth. Anyway, the proof is in the pudding. Just go outside and see for yourself. If it were getting warmer, I would know. I spend every day on the sunny shores of Southern California so I’m basically the expert on this. The EPA must be tripping because it felt just as warm today as it did yesterday.

And what’s up with your ridiculous logic? These whacked out facts hardly support the notion that global warming is dangerous, let alone exists. Yet everybody seems to be worried about the damage to this little thing or that—like the environment or their health. A perfect example would be the supposed relationship between ozone decay and skin cancer, which, by the way, is totally outrageous, dude. According to a certain Dr. Daniel Bikle, Professor of Medicine and Dermatology at University of California, San Francisco, if the ozone layer has depleted, then the number of skin cancer cases will surely rise. That’s because skin cancer can be caused by UV radiation. Increased exposure to UV radiation leads to increased opportunity for skin cancer. The ozone’s decay would impair its ability to reflect UV radiation, resulting in elevated levels of skin cancer. Considering this is the most common form of the disease on the planet, such an event would present a serious cause for concern (Bikle 557). Science hasn’t been able to “officially” prove this though, and that’s all that actually matters. Forget the overwhelming amount of proof, or the obvious bureaucracy that’s in the way. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no reason to worry, bro. And even if there is, who really cares, right? You know what they say: “A busted ozone makes for a bitchin’ tan.”

The Environmental Protection Agency also likes to state that global warming endangers animals and the environment alike. According to the National Resources Defense Council, an international nonprofit environmental organization, the melting of the Artic Sea Ice exposes the effects of global warming. They say that ice melts in the Artic have reduced the polar bear’s hunting and breeding ground, threatening to push the polar bear to extinction. This has also created an increased sea level, which is expected to rise three feet by 2100. The consequences would be devastating ( All I have to say is: whatever, bro. First of all, everyone knows polar bears can swim. Duh. Who cares if they have anything to stand on? Plus, they’re already at the zoo, so why worry? We can afford to lose a few here and there.

As for the rising sea level, the EPA needs to get with the times. Stop being so lame, man. You’ve got everyone all worked up over a little frozen water and some extra ocean. Yet there’s never been anything so exciting. Sure, everything close to sea level might disappear and what not, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay for more beach. Can you imagine how awesome that would be, dude? People wouldn’t have to go to the coast—the coast would come to them! It’s basically delivery, Mother Nature style.

Southern California has never been the place for negative energy. In fact, people always give off good vibes around here. That is, until the EPA decided to kill our SoCal spirit. That’s why you need to chill out about global warming before it gets out of hand. Yesterday was a prime example of why global warming has become totally lame. I was visiting a friend at Berkeley when I decided to catch some NorCal waves. After surfing this super sick swell forever, I thought it would be a killer time for a few brews. Once we finished, we threw our cans on the sand. It was all good until the lifeguard yelled out, “Not cool, bros!” I looked at him and was like, “Take it easy dude. Don’t you know that metal is biodegradable?” I can’t believe how dumb and ignorant some people are, and yet, I know it’s not their fault. The EPA has scared everybody to death, and it’s time that someone said something about it. Stop swimming upstream and just go with the flow, bro. I’m down with global warming, and it’s about time you were, too.


Works Cited

Bikle, Daniel D. “UV radiation, vitamin D and epidermal carcinogenesis.” Expert

Review of Dermatology 4.6 (2009): 557+. Academic OneFile. Web. 6 May 2013.

“Global Warming Puts the Arctic on Thin Ice.” National Resources Defense Council.

National Resources Defense Council, 22 Nov. 2005. Web. 7 May 2013.